to quit or not to quit, that is the question

What a week. This has been awfully tough. Not just the 14 hour days, but the non-stop running around the hospital, multi page to-do lists, the dozens of people competing for my attention simultaneously. I feel burnt out and I've only just begun. On top of what I was already feeling, I just read this inspiring blog post at zenhabits (check it out) and I can't help but wonder...should I quit?!? Should I just say "screw it", move on, and do something that I know will make me happy? I don't know the answer yet, but I do know that I'm feeling awfully desperate at the moment. I do not like my job and it's making me unhappy.


Share your story if you're in  a similar situation...


Despite all of this, I've not only been focusing on the negative -- I've been giving a lot of thought to what I do like; what I do want to do; what does inspire me. I was particularly struck in this vein last week while at an incredible improvisational jazz concert with my wife. During one amazing, esoteric jam I began to think about what it is that I like so much about that sort of music -- and then it struck me. I realized that I'd had the same sentiment the day before at an art museum; that I'd felt this way when reading great fiction; and that traveling also provoked this awesome sensation. Being at that concert I felt free. Free from my rigorous daily work schedule and from the precision that my work demands. The creative edge of music (or art, or writing or traveling without a set itinerary) -- this is something that I crave and something that a career in medicine does not offer.


Like many, I'm working to build my bliss and I'm now at a crossroads. Of course, this isn't the first time I've been at a key decision point. Graduating college as a social science major I impulsively chose to spend a year working on premed requirements; I didn't particularly enjoy those classes, but on I went. I began med school and felt burdened and unstimulated by the endless lists I was made to memorize; still, I persevered. I moved on to the "clinical" years of medical school and was dismayed by the attitudes, egos and dearth of creativity involved in medical practice; and on I went. I took a year hiatus from med school and earned a degree in public health and...this I liked! this was interesting, thought provoking, and a welcome change from the harsh environment of the hospital. Now, having graduated medical school and finding myself in the midst of internship, I can't help but wonder, is it time to stop moving forward, following the path of least resistance and acquiescing to a lifestyle and a career that doesn't seem to suit me?


The answer isn't simple. I'm slated to begin my residency next year in ophthalmology (medicine and surgery of the eye). Maybe it will be different? Will it be different enough? Should I push forward once again despite my disdain for what I'm presently doing? I don't know, but I hope to figure it out soon. Whether I keep moving forward or make a sharp turn down a different path, I will continue to search for clarity, simplicity and happiness in spite of whatever demands life has in store.


To quit, or not to quit? We'll see...

challenges and expectations

I mentioned in my first blog post that I recently became a doctor. For me the choice to become a doctor was not a natural one. Actually, in school I was always more of a humanities/social science kind of guy. Having met a few other doctors, medical students, and pre-meds, it seems that many felt drawn to medicine at some point in their youth; they excelled in science, and made the natural progression straight through college, medical school and into residency. Not so for me. In fact, the decision to become a doctor is one that I frequently reflect on and question.

While the notion of helping other human beings in need is wonderful, the day-to-day practice of medicine is often frustrating and draining. As a medical student and now as a doctor, I've met wonderful colleagues, but I have also been perpetually challenged by a (very) rigid hierarchy and the rather impressive arrogance of all too many doctors.


Would I do it again if I could go back? In short, probably not (more on why in my next post). But, as long as I've started down this path I intend to make the most of it. This may ultimately mean some non-traditional use of my degree (I've got a few ideas). We'll see.

This may sound like a lot of complaining, not exactly like the sort of contentment I wrote about in my last post, I know. I also know that I am surely not alone and medicine is not the only career fraught with challenges. How do I deal with such a challenging environment, especially when working 80+ hours per week?!

I do my best to eliminate expectations.

I don't claim to be great at this. It's a work in progress. When I arrive at the hospital in the morning I try (it can be awfully challenging) to have zero expectations about how busy the day will be; how challenging a given individual might be; or how much suffering my patients will face. When we anticipate a bad day or expect to be treated poorly we project these expectations and they become self-fulfilling. 

It's astounding what a difference it makes when you throw all expectations out the window. Try the following exercise at work or school tomorrow: surprise others by offering a smile when they anticipate a cold glare; say "good morning" when they expect a demand; do someone a favor when they least expect it. I can guarantee that in doing this you will shake up people's expectations, you will make the people around you happier, and that being surrounded by happy people is one of many keys to building your bliss.

finding contentment

I've recently been pondering the following idea: "Whether we are feeling happy...has very little to do with our absolute conditions, but rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have" (The Dalai Lama, The Art of Happiness).


That The Dalai Lama would offer contentment as the source of happiness is not surprising. In fact, we know that wealth, power and possessions have no correlation whatsoever with any measure of happiness (this is true on both an individual and societal scale). However, I find myself uncomfortable with the idea that maximal happiness is always to be found in one's current situation. 


Don't get me wrong, I'm a big proponent of finding the positive in any situation. However, I equally believe in going forth with a calm state of mind and working to shape your life -- that is, actively building your own bliss. At first I had trouble reconciling these two ideas that seem to be in opposition to one another. It then occurred to me that contentment and active engagement are together two of the keys to building bliss.


Take the following tangible analogy: what do you do if your car breaks down? Do you A) find contentment in owning a broken car? or do you B) fix the car? Obviously most people would choose the latter option. More subtle though is the idea that even as we fix the broken car, we should be content with this particular vehicle. In fact, finding contentment with the car you own (e.g. your life) is much more likely to bring you bliss than owning a newer, fancier, more expensive one.


These two complimentary ideas are at the heart of what it means to build your bliss. On the one hand, we should strive to be satisfied with who we are as individuals; we should find beauty in the people and places that surround us; we should always be looking inward for inspiration. At the same time, we ought to actively work to shape our futures -- pursuing formal and informal education; searching for a soulmate; surrounding ourselves with people who inspire us; becoming more caring, giving and mindful individuals.


It is possible to be truly content yet strive for greater contentment.

introducing bliss

My inspiration to write comes from many places. First and foremost it comes from within. From a desire to create something, to simplify my life, to connect, to become ever-happier and to help others to do the same despite the chaos, challenges and demands of daily life.


I should explain a bit more. I'm roughly 30 years old and I'm a newly minted doctor. Just a few months prior to finishing medical school, I become invested in changing the way that I live my life. It wasn't as if I had an epiphany. More accurately, many ideas and influences had been brewing for years and only recently conglomerated in a way that I could not ignore. And thus began my current existential crisis. My need for change. My need to maximize clarity, simplicity and happiness in response to and in spite of the hugely demanding (work) life in which I now find myself.


Though I have many more questions than answers, small efforts toward mindfulness, meditation, patience and understanding have begun to yield tremendous rewards (more on each of these to come). Through these small successes I am now constantly inspired to build my own bliss. I draw inspiration every day from my wife's tremendous patience and good-nature; from travelling the world every chance I get; from love; from beautiful music, art and writing; from nature; and from a desire to squeeze every drop of happiness, pleasure, excitement and experience that I can from life.


And so, I now begin a chronicle of inspirations, challenges, successes and, most of all, my quest to maximize happiness.


I hope that you too will build your own bliss.